Shit My Momma Says

Well folks, a lot has happened since we kidnapped momma in March. She has become the Queen and Dale and I have reluctantly accepted our roles as her loyal servants. She lets us do things like make her coffee, cook her meals, cut and coif her hair, wash her clothes, etc., etc. We are but meer chore whores in her Queendom.

Peppered amongst our daily routine are opportunities for the Queen to share her wisdom and general commentary on life. One evening following dinner in the grand dining hall, I was escorting momma from the dinner table to her pharmaceutical Pez dispenser. I was tired and exhaled a dramatic sigh. The Queen stopped in her tracks. “Uh huh,” she says. “Tell me what annoys you most about me, and then I’ll tell you what annoys me most about you.”

This was the genesis of an idea to write her quotes down on a sheet of paper titled, “Shit My Momma Says”. The next quote came the following evening as I was pouring my second glass of wine. Momma gets my attention with, “Oh, honey.” I’m like, “What now?” In her classic tone, which is an alchemy of condescension and judgement, she says “Remember: Alcoholism runs rampant in your family.” “Yes ma’am. I realize that, but I’m not an alcoholic…


The shit kept streaming and I kept writing it down. Then one day, I had an epiphany: Wouldn’t these quotes make for fun tee shirts? That’s when the 86-year old queen and I decided to start a business– Shit My Momma Says. She kept saying things, that taken out of context, were hilarious, like “Would you rather shower me or fix my dinner?”

The quotes kept coming. So we put them on cocktail hankies, tee shirts and flour sack tea towels.

BIG NEWS: Our online store launches Friday, May 22, 2020.

Check us out at and on IG @shitmymommasays.

I’m sure there will be more to come.